Picking Up The Pieces

Get comfy, this is a long one. So here I am, slightly more together than this time last week. I've no idea what hit me, but for 2 days I was out of the game entirely. I dragged my ass to work last Wednesday (mainly to avoid any lectures from KillJoy) and slowly got things going again. I hate being sick. Although, I can't say that I minded being off of work. Considering the amount of shit I've dealt with this year, it was nice to not have to think about them. Of course, I would've enjoyed the time more if I could've accomplished something like having fun or an interview. Such as it was, I laid in bed and watched re-runs of Doctor Who. ******* A lot has come up over the past 2 weeks. For one, K is hell bent on something or other and J and I have no freaking clue what it is. He doesn't act up at daycare, which is good, however he turns into evil incarnate when he gets home - throwing temper tantrums, whining, grunting, crying...if you can think of it he's done it. I even had to call his DR because I totally didn't know what to do! The nurse and I went through some things and we don't think it's a physical thing (like ear infection, etc) because he doesn't act this way at daycare. So basically, 90% of what we try to do to calm him down doesn't work. The ONLY thing that calms him down is the video Pat the Bunny-Sing With Me. It wouldn't be such a big deal except that every time he see the TV he points and lets out this grunt/whine and is only happy with Pat the Bunny on. Did I mention EVERY FREAKING TIME HE SEES THE TV?! My aspirations for him don't include plopping him down in-front of the same video all day every day, but that is all he wants! I had hopes of being a better parent than that, but at this point all I want is quiet! I feel like shit for giving in to it but for the sake of K calming down, J's nerves and my hearing - we do. We've also been working on getting him down to 1 nap a day, thinking that maybe his bizarro attitude could be a "sign" that he's ready. The verdict is still out on that one. So far, whether he gets 2 naps or 1, he still has that hell bent attitude going on. And what the fuck about him not acting this way at daycare? Seriously, what the fuckity fuck fuck?! On another note, his separation anxiety is getting better - AT DAYCARE! (If you could see me now, you'd see me shaking my head in disbelief. I hate not having a clue what is going on or what to do!) ******* This past weekend we went to the park and K did well on the slides. At one point, J had to go get something from the car and I stayed with K, who was watching J's every move and started to get upset that he was leaving the play area. I reassured him that Daddy would be coming back and it helped a little bit. On the way home we stopped at a gas station and J went in to get a lottery ticket (because damn wouldn't it be nice!) and as he left the car, K got upset again. I repeated my earlier assurances that Daddy would be right back. Where am I going with this? What if Daddy didn't come back? What if something happened to him? What audacity do I have to say something like that when I have no control over every single event in life? I feel like a liar to my son everytime I say "Daddy'll be right back" or "I'll be right back." How do I know that? I don't and that freaks me out. Not to mention that sting of disappointment at letting my son down should anything horrible happen. The twisted knife in the side feeling at being proven wrong has been dogging me for a while now and I don't know how to get past it. I haven't found the words to replace the "be right back" and that scares me. I don't want to lie to my son. I know the world can be a difficult place to navigate through and I want to protect him and teach how to get through the muck, but I don't want to do it under the guise of false pretenses like "be right back" because you just don't know. Don't think I haven't pondered the whole Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny and Santa Claus issue as well. If you really want to get technical, that's lying too because those things don't exist. My point is that the above 3 figures generally don't damage someone's pysche. There may be some slight disappointment when K realizes that it was J and I being the Tooth Fairy or planting the Easter basket not to mention searching high and low for that "gotta have it" toy of the Christmas season. He won't be spending years in therapy because of it though. Well, not unless we're cheap on rewarding for teeth or get him crappy gifts...which if you've seen his closet full of clothes, huge dump trucks and gazillion cars (which you haven't, but go with me on this) then you'd know we indulge him, even if a bit too much at times. ******* So, there it is. Everything I've been holding in for the past few weeks. Well, except for the flu that slapped me up, down, around and made me it's bitch. I didn't hold anything in during those few days.