More Giggles Than Cries

So last night we caved... As Bill Cosby put it so well: "Parents don't want justice, they want QUIET!" We let K watch Pat the Bunny and about 1/2 way through we gave him mac n'cheese for dinner (the second night in a row - oh the scandal!). He ate the entire plate full and even had 1/2 of a fruit roll-up. There was a slight fuss when the video was over and we had to rewind it. K still doesn't understand the whole "rewind" thing. (Daddy and I are already preparing the PC to transfer the tape to DVD, then we can just loop the fucker! Yes, I'm cursing - I've gone through figuring out where my nose is, having a good supper and bluey the blue-blue blanket enough times that only expletives will do. But I digress...) He watched it again and this time 1/2 way through played a little bit with us and his cars. It's been a long time since he laughed a good belly laugh and we sorely missed it. FF to this morning where he slept until 5:30 AM, which is freaking awesome considering the 4:30 wakings over the past few days. Not too fussy when trying to get dressed, etc and can you guess - he watched Pat the Bunny twice! Like I pointed out, I'm not looking for justice or the Pediatrician Recommended way to do things right now, I just want quiet - or at least more giggles than cries.

Picking Up The Pieces

Get comfy, this is a long one. So here I am, slightly more together than this time last week. I've no idea what hit me, but for 2 days I was out of the game entirely. I dragged my ass to work last Wednesday (mainly to avoid any lectures from KillJoy) and slowly got things going again. I hate being sick. Although, I can't say that I minded being off of work. Considering the amount of shit I've dealt with this year, it was nice to not have to think about them. Of course, I would've enjoyed the time more if I could've accomplished something like having fun or an interview. Such as it was, I laid in bed and watched re-runs of Doctor Who. ******* A lot has come up over the past 2 weeks. For one, K is hell bent on something or other and J and I have no freaking clue what it is. He doesn't act up at daycare, which is good, however he turns into evil incarnate when he gets home - throwing temper tantrums, whining, grunting, crying...if you can think of it he's done it. I even had to call his DR because I totally didn't know what to do! The nurse and I went through some things and we don't think it's a physical thing (like ear infection, etc) because he doesn't act this way at daycare. So basically, 90% of what we try to do to calm him down doesn't work. The ONLY thing that calms him down is the video Pat the Bunny-Sing With Me. It wouldn't be such a big deal except that every time he see the TV he points and lets out this grunt/whine and is only happy with Pat the Bunny on. Did I mention EVERY FREAKING TIME HE SEES THE TV?! My aspirations for him don't include plopping him down in-front of the same video all day every day, but that is all he wants! I had hopes of being a better parent than that, but at this point all I want is quiet! I feel like shit for giving in to it but for the sake of K calming down, J's nerves and my hearing - we do. We've also been working on getting him down to 1 nap a day, thinking that maybe his bizarro attitude could be a "sign" that he's ready. The verdict is still out on that one. So far, whether he gets 2 naps or 1, he still has that hell bent attitude going on. And what the fuck about him not acting this way at daycare? Seriously, what the fuckity fuck fuck?! On another note, his separation anxiety is getting better - AT DAYCARE! (If you could see me now, you'd see me shaking my head in disbelief. I hate not having a clue what is going on or what to do!) ******* This past weekend we went to the park and K did well on the slides. At one point, J had to go get something from the car and I stayed with K, who was watching J's every move and started to get upset that he was leaving the play area. I reassured him that Daddy would be coming back and it helped a little bit. On the way home we stopped at a gas station and J went in to get a lottery ticket (because damn wouldn't it be nice!) and as he left the car, K got upset again. I repeated my earlier assurances that Daddy would be right back. Where am I going with this? What if Daddy didn't come back? What if something happened to him? What audacity do I have to say something like that when I have no control over every single event in life? I feel like a liar to my son everytime I say "Daddy'll be right back" or "I'll be right back." How do I know that? I don't and that freaks me out. Not to mention that sting of disappointment at letting my son down should anything horrible happen. The twisted knife in the side feeling at being proven wrong has been dogging me for a while now and I don't know how to get past it. I haven't found the words to replace the "be right back" and that scares me. I don't want to lie to my son. I know the world can be a difficult place to navigate through and I want to protect him and teach how to get through the muck, but I don't want to do it under the guise of false pretenses like "be right back" because you just don't know. Don't think I haven't pondered the whole Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny and Santa Claus issue as well. If you really want to get technical, that's lying too because those things don't exist. My point is that the above 3 figures generally don't damage someone's pysche. There may be some slight disappointment when K realizes that it was J and I being the Tooth Fairy or planting the Easter basket not to mention searching high and low for that "gotta have it" toy of the Christmas season. He won't be spending years in therapy because of it though. Well, not unless we're cheap on rewarding for teeth or get him crappy gifts...which if you've seen his closet full of clothes, huge dump trucks and gazillion cars (which you haven't, but go with me on this) then you'd know we indulge him, even if a bit too much at times. ******* So, there it is. Everything I've been holding in for the past few weeks. Well, except for the flu that slapped me up, down, around and made me it's bitch. I didn't hold anything in during those few days.

Out Like 70's Leisure Pants!

Remember the part timer “mess” I told you about a bit ago? Well guess who called in again?! Killjoy has reached her limit and I think part-timer is buh-bye! That sucks for me, or does it?! Hehe, I put together some options of how to re-assign some work etc and of course I mentioned some extra $ for me since I’d be doing more work. If they give me one quarter of her hourly wage as an increase, hell, I’ll put out a few dozen fires a day. Then they get the remaining three quarters back in the company “pocket”. It’d be nice if they’d just agree to that. That’d be a decent increase for me too. I made it look like it’d be a service to the company to re-assign stuff, etc. I may be a glutton for punishment, but I’m not THAT silly. : ) We’ll see if it flies. All I know is that part timer needs to go like leisure pants in the 70’s.

Dearest Little People

You have been scrubbed and sanitized so that whatever toddler offending, stomach-upsetting, vomit-inducing "thing" has been erradicated from your plastic bodies and knock-off hair. Of course I don't hold you solely responsible for the rankness in the air (and carpet), but you know the drill...ALL toys get it. You may go about your business in the morning. That is all. Can you guess how I spent my Saturday night???

Welcome Back!

I'm back one day and am greeted w/ the part timer calling in "sick" today. Have you been keeping track boys and girls? That adds up to 4 - FOUR MOTHERFUCKING DAYS - that she's called off in 5 weeks and lest we not forget the day she was 2.5 hours late. Do people not have a fucking work ethic anymore? Good god, give me the 80's "me generation" when everyone went to work every day (albeit to stab co-workers in the back, take over their job and go after the next position in the heirarchy). Hey, at least they went to work! So, more of the same. I'm still pursuing other options but no bites yet on the 15 I've sent out so far. Surprisingly, I'm in an "okay" mood about it. However, if this keeps up it won't be for long.

A L M O S T There!

In just over 3 hours, I will be leaving work for the day and be taking a mini "vacation" until next Tuesday. I will be grateful for caller ID on my phone because if I see any number I don't recognize I will be ingoring it! I don't give a flying f**k what they need or think they need. They have 3 hours to get it to me. After that, p*ss off!

What Would Joe Friday Do?

If there's ever been a time for "just the facts, ma'am", it's this morning. My boss and I are going to have a "talk". I've a full page of stuff that's been bothering me, most of it centering around the fact that all I hear about are the things I do wrong, which leads to no one noticing the things I do right which makes me feel unappreciated. I've lost my temper quite a bit since 1st Part timer quite w/no notice and I've had to pick up the pieces. Mostly because I feel bullied by the Reps and again, that makes me feel like nothing I do is good enough. I'm going to try and put on my best Joe Friday because the last thing I need to do is break down in front of my boss. It's going to be difficult because my emotions have reached their boiling point. I don't want to lose my job, even if it does stink of manure. I want to leave on my terms. I'm still looking for other options. I've sent out close to 10 resumes so we'll see what happens. UPDATE So we had our talk and it went ok. I told B that while I understand salesmen get caught up in their work and don't give a rat's ass about what I have going on, it IS a 2-way street and if the reps want me to do this and that, they need to be more understanding. She agreed and said that she would say something to them. We went back and forth with a couple things and managed to get on the same page, for the most part. I'll spare you the lengthy details but I made it clear that every once and a while it would be nice to get a sincere compliment (or some kind of positive recognition) for all that I have accomplished. It'd be a lot better than hearing all of the negative shit. So, we'll see what happens. I don't feel my job is in imminent jeopardy, which has calmed me down. Mainly because I don't have anything else lined up. Nothing like feeling like a total loser if I were to get canned! I also kept myself together during the talk. I could feel it brewing at the beginning, but I kept in control and got everything out. Options are still out there, though. I'm not going to quit seeing what other opportunities are out there.

At times...

When I'm at work, I'd have more fun jabbing a fork in my eye. Part-timer called in sick again. She's been here not quite 4 weeks and been gone 3 days already. I wonder why they bother? I wonder why I bother? I wish I could just not care. I'm looking for other things to occupy my time while biting my tongue to not say something that'll get me in trouble. That's difficult to do when I'm already worked up from having extra stuff to do from part-timer's desk as well as my own. I want to scream at the world for not allowing things to work out so that I could be a stay-at-home mom and F*** this place AND I want to scream at myself for allowing me to get literally stuck in a position I can never truly leave without completely leaving the company. The wages are good here, my hours are good, my boss has been understanding if I need to go to a DR appt for JuniorMint or PapaMint. It's like they always say, don't get too good at your job or you'll never get a promotion because the boss won't want to replace you. Well, that seems to be where I'm at. I got "promoted" last Fall to be the President's and Vice President's assistant, problem is I've been busy picking up the slack from the part-time position. I will never get a true promotion here and thus the proverbial rut I am stuck in. I don't know that anywhere else will be as "understanding" of family, DR visits, pay as well or offer the hours I have. Maybe they will, or maybe it will be worse. I'm afraid of the worse and that is why I've been dilly-dallying about pursuing other options. I'm here because I fear and I've screwed myself. On that note, back to jabbing a fork in my eye.

Do You Wanna Wrastle?

I think we're very close to finding out the culprit of JuniorMint's tantrums. I think. There were 2 times over the weekend where he was thisclose to doing the "fainting goat". I stopped what I was doing, got down on the floor and quasi-wrestled w/him. Then I'd quasi-pin him down and tickle the living hell out of him. Within a minute, his whining turned into laughing and big smiles. Seems that a)He needs attention. Not that we ignore him, but perhaps the separation anxiety is really taking it's toll on him and causing him to be really clingy. and b)I have a boy - boys like to "wrastle", jump around and bang on things. I've so much to learn! LOL!

Ok, You're So F-in Smart...

These are the questions spinning through my head, making me dizzy and ready to toss my cookies into the next county: How do I contain a 14 month old's temper tantrums when all he does is scream/whine and flop backwards like a fainting goat? When am I going to understand before-mentioned 14 month old who still speaks in toddler babble? Can I get a babelfish for the 14 month old, PLEASE? Does anti-war equal anti-military (more on this when I have more time to post)? Do the WW gods think they could reward me by making my weigh-in really awesome? I did get up at 5 AM all week and ride the stationary bike for 25 minutes! Did I mention 5 AM EVERYDAY THIS WEEK?!

Leftovers

Wanna know a super quick way to rid the fridge of leftovers? Are you ready for it? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Have the fridge get stuck in defrost mode for the better portion of the day! Leftovers? HA! What leftovers?! Of course, times like these make me very grateful we live in an apartment. If WE had to pay for an after-hours call and replacement parts - well, the "Mint" household would be quite unhappy.

Farther & Farther Away From the Baby Aisle

JuniorMint and I were on our way to daycare this morning and as I looked back at him it seemed that he grew overnight. He looks more like a little boy and every day it seems the "infant" stage is quickly passing us by. Here he is, hanging out by the pool. My young boy instead of little infant: I'm excited for the next stage and all of the things that he will learn. At the same time, I know I'm going to miss buying little clothes and teddy bears.

Violet, You're Turning Violet!

There are times when it makes complete sense to run back to the mid 90's. I was THAT person this morning - jamming in my car, stereo cranked up high enough to make the sound distort (well, pretty damn close to that anyway), singing my heart out and not giving a goddamn! Courtney Love and Hole were putting me in the best "F-U" mood ever! Follow it up with Green Day and the "anti-establishment" roar has begun! So what spurred me into this? Yesterday morning I couldn't have told you, last week, 2 months ago...nope, I didn't have a damn clue. Just before oh my god it's only 9:30! bedtime I'd been thinking of why I haven't been able to stick to the Weight Watcher plan as well as I did the first time, why I second guess 75% of the things I do with JuniorMint and a handful of other things. The top two are WW and JuniorMint. I've come to determine that I've been too focused on achieving things because of what other people will think of me or what they expect of me. This got me in "trouble" in college and it seems to be leading me down the same path again. I'll save you all the gory details but suffice it to say that I realized the first time I did WW I was doing it to see if I could. There was a bit of competition between me and another person but hell, I don't see her at all anymore so that "edge" has died. I didn't do it for anyone else but me. That changed after JuniorMint was born because people are watching me to see if I loose the remaining weight. I feel judged by them and therefore have to prove something to them. THAT has been my problem. The second thing has been JuniorMint. Again, I feel judged by people when I do certain things and have been second guessing myself on most of the things I do with him. None of them are bad but just different. Mainly, the difference in age between me and my boss and how she raised her kids and versus how people raise them now (ie - how I raise my son, how C-Mint raises her daughter, how D-Mint raises her son). Here's an example: Boss is in her late 50's. That's just for a point of reference. She has 3 grandsons and this will reference the middle one, B. She believes that he doesn't eat well because mom needs to sit at the table and wait for him to finish. B eats just fine when Boss is over and sits at the table with him until he finishes. Boss doesn't approve of mom running around cleaning up or going through papers while waiting for B to finish eating. She thinks all parents need to sit down and wait. This is also the lady that gave B's mom a hard time for breastfeeding thier newest son for 8 weeks. She thought the mom should just get it over with. NICE! Up until this morning, I thought that made sense and waited it out with JuniorMint. It does make sense to keep them company if everyone else has finished, however if they see everyone else getting to play, etc and they're at the table alone then maybe it will urge them to finish eating. I can see it both ways however I am not going to be ruled by them. This morning, I ate breakfast with JuniorMint and waited about 5 minutes after I was done for him to finish. Then, I put the high chair with him in it in the Kitchen next to me and proceeded to clean some of the sippy cups, clear off the counter and put some stuff away. I talked to him as I did it all so he didn't feel "out of place". Oh The Humanity! The Scandal! OOOOOOOO... (see, I have a bit of rebellion left in me after all-LOL!)

The eyes have it

JuniorMint's eye is much better! The dot is more of a thin line that is disappating. Hell, it's almost gone. TAKE THAT bitch receptionist at the eye doctor's office! PartTimer K showed up today and was very apologetic. We'll see how it goes. The track record for this position has been hit and miss. I like PartTimer K and I hope it works out. I'm looking at other "opportunities" however certain standards will have to be met. If I have to suck it up to maintain some stability for my family then so be it. That's been THE reason for me not jumping ship a long time ago. It stinks to take it in the a** but there are 2 other people who rely on me so... we'll see how it goes.

Take That!

So I've been working at a snail's pace and it's been a blessing and a curse. A curse because the men (one in particular) wants all his work to be done asap and since my asap = at least 40-60 minutes now, well he goes to my boss to have her come and ask if I'm done with fill-in-the-blank proposal. It doesn't make me look good, but... it's a blessing because she finally understands how many of the reps come to me with asap work and has called them out on it. Whether that will actually do any good, I doubt it, but at least now she "knows" a bit of what I'm up against. So....... Take That!

Being a Slacker is Hard Work

Ok, so I was raised with a pretty good work ethic. You show up on time, you do what's expected of you (and on occassion do more), try to "play nice" with others - you've heard it before. Fast forward to now and I still have that ethic. Problem is, I've now put myself in a position where everyone expects me to prepare their proposals "asap" and they treat me simply as a means to an end. Sure, every place is like that. Only now I feel backed into a corner. Everything with them is rush, rush, motherfucking rush! I would work hard to get the work done for them on time/right away, etc. I've told them that since "part time girl" quit 6 weeks ago it's been really busy and they need to cut me some slack. I've told my boss and she's told them. I've bit their heads off about it. I've been a downright bitch to them about it. Do you think I've made any progress? . . . So, damn the man/men! I'm not going to jump through their hoops any longer. I'll get the work done, etc, but their "rush" jobs are going to go from taking 10 minutes to 30. When they put down that they need a job by 10am. They're not going to get it until 5 or 10 after 10. I'm sick of being walked all over. It's my own fault for trying to make everyone happy. I backed myself into a corner and now I have to fight my way out. So, instead of making everyone happy, I'm going to make them un-happy. LOL Don't mis-understand, I'm still going to do the work, etc, right away. It's just going to sit in the "out" box on my desk until the very last minute that they need it. They want to give me work last minute, I'm going to return the "favor" and get it back to them last minute. Take that you fuckers! Aunt B(itch) is back!

They Grow How Fast...?

I had been going by the advice of checking the size of K's feet every 2-3 months. I figured that since he got his last pair at the beginning of April, and we had some time to kill, we'd stop by a shoe store and get his feet measured. On that note . . . Holy Crap! He went up 1.5 sizes! Who knows how long his feet have been scrunched in his other shoes. Should I be checking them monthly? Weekly? Oh hell, daily?! LOL He seems to be doing just fine with his new ones.

around the corner

there has to be something good. here is how monday started: 1 - K had a low grade fever. an improvement over the 101.7 from sunday, but a fever none the less. 2 - the news had a story about this over and over - WARNING: EXTREMELY DISTURBING. 3 - I got a call from my mom at work and she was sobbing. her cat, tigger, was dying and she needed help to take him to the vet to do the deed. he was 23 1/2 years old. i grew up with him. 4 - an major accident/tanker fire closed most of the interstate we needed to use to get to the vet and then the humane society. this required more in-city driving and prolonged the inevitable for the poor cat. 5 - got to the vet and my mom lost it. she wanted to be in the room when it was done and i started crying because i could hear her in the other room even with the door closed. 6 - found out J's father is in the hospital recovering from heart surgery. they had to replace one of the stints. he's ok, but even still... 7 - sister in law may have gotten food poisoning. she's doing ok now. 8 - picked up K from daycare and noticed he still had a fever and had mucous coming from his eyes. at the DR appt found out he has pink eye in both eyes. 9 - found out B at daycare is going on vacation which meant we had to scramble a bit to find care for K. even with 2 weeks notice it can be difficult. 10 - this didn't happen on monday but is a direct result of it: waking K up this morning was not for the weak of heart. due to the eye drops for pink eye, both of his eyes were crusted over and he couldn't open them. one of his nostrils was plugged shut from green snot. he looked so pathetic and it pulled at my heart to see him trying to open his eyes. it's one thing when it's your own eyes and you understand what is going on. it's totally different when it's your infant son who has no clue. so here we are, recovering with both feet above ground. well, almost all of us... . . . . . . .

another one bites the dust

Well, I've been on and off with my posting lately. Mainly since the first part timer quite and we've been on the hunt for a replacement. Well, we got one and she called off yesterday and hasn't called or showed up today. Yes...isn't it fucking grand! I will be having adult drink(s) this weekend!

From My Son's Eyes

The world is a very, VERY big place. We were grocery shopping today and at one point we put him down to walk alongside us. The aisle wasn't crowded with people so while K fussed a bit, he had room to walk and I didn't have to worry about some asshole running him over. That quickly changed when we had to go into another aisle. All the sudden a mass exodus joined us. It was at that time I realized how small he still is, even though he's growing up fast in other areas. I want him to get the experience of walking somewhere else other than at home, be exposed to something different and yet as I looked down at him trying to make his way through the madness, I had an idea of what it must look like from his eyes. The carts that would pass us by looked like rolling metal monsters, other people's walking feet rushed past, the food stocked on the shelves loomed high and imposing. K would turn toward me, arms raised and would raise his voice to fuss. When I picked him up because there was just too much going on around us, I realized that he must've been scared. I felt bad for him for being scared. I don't want him to feel that way. It was good for me to see this so that I remember that even though I'm packing away some baby items, I still know that he's my little man. My little K who still has a lot to experience and learn. It was good for me to remember that I need to see things through his eyes; not to rush things. K did pretty well walking next to me but he's not quite ready to do it at each shopping trip.